Member-only story
The Nose Job I Never Got
My parents wanted to fix my imperfections — but I wanted otherwise
When I was 14, my parents decided I needed a nose job.
I didn’t have one but when I announce this at dinner parties, people ask me to turn right, and then turn left, like I’m posing for a mugshot. They stare at me accusingly as if I don’t actually know what a nose job is. I quickly explain that my parents are the very best people and I agree that my natural nose is unremarkable, but that does nothing to satisfy their curious and shocked expressions. They tilt their heads and attempt to furrow their Botox-ed brows when I explain that this painful chapter is how I learned about love.
The details are a little fuzzy now but to hear my mother tell it, my older brother hit me in the face with something blunt when I was a baby and caused a slight sway that most people, today, would be hard-pressed to detect. I’d love to blame my brother but I think this oft-repeated tale is a total fantasy. Despite the unconfirmed clubbing, I was never destined to have a ram-rod straight ski jump on my face. The reality is that 50% of my DNA comes from a gene pool that is known for having “dramatic features” but 50% doesn’t, netting me somewhere between the Holy Land and the Hamptons. The reaction I usually get upon inspection is “it suits you,” whatever the hell…
