Rough Drafts of My New Bio

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is…

Ben Kassoy
Human Parts
Published in
2 min readOct 14, 2021


Photo: Jeffrey Coolidge / Getty Images

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a payphone that rings.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a cartographer in a coma, psychokinetically mapping underwater worlds, waiting for someone to one day discover his sunken cities.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is having three vertebrae removed so he can put his ear right up to his chest and hear it whisper the story of his great great grandmother’s first kiss.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is “Dr. Brent Money, DDS” on the login screen of his brother-in-law’s Netflix account.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is “Ruby Tuesday” in drag.

Before you even ask, Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a Taurus.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is building himself like a house for you.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is honey coffee water sun.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is raspberry blueberry blackberry knife.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is reckless wonder.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is the kind of person who hates the kind of person who hates the kind of person who applauds when the plane lands.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) will be played by Nicolas Cage in the biopic.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a product of the Build-A-Beard Workshop.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) once took off his skate and tried to stab somebody.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a deciduous forest. (Oh wait, “bio”? He thought you said “biome.”)

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a cheerleading squad dressed like ninjas wielding nunchucks.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) is a podcast.

Ben Kassoy (he/him) would totally have some fries if you ordered some fries.

If you enjoyed this, check out “Ode To My Childhood Alter-Ego.”



Ben Kassoy
Human Parts

Poet, writer, author of THE FUNNY THING ABOUT A PANIC ATTACK -- available now!