Why Santa Is the Ultimate Fantasy
The erotic power of getting what we want without having to ask
Santa Claus takes away all the effort of learning to ask for what you want, leaving behind only the indulgence of getting it. With Santa, you never have to tell your mom or dad what you need. You don’t need to go to therapy or do another goddamned healing-the-inner-child workbook. Just straddle a snowy-haired man’s lap and cry out for what you want, and it will materialize, a few days later, while you are sleeping. You don’t even have to debase yourself by saying “thank you.”
This easy generosity makes Santa Claus sexy. But he’s enticing for many other reasons, too. He’s luscious, warm, and red, the color of flushed genitals, fire embers, the devil, and the heart. He’s vividly alive, with a winsome grin that says he’s as down to fuck as he is to make us a quiche or rub our feet. As we find ourselves balls deep into cuffing season, what more could we ask for than a supple, flush-faced lover, forever equally ready to cuddle on the couch?
Santa blends familiarity with self-indulgence, childhood innocence with greed. He’s a boyfriend, a loving father figure, a servant, and a God.
Santa’s whole existence is that of a proxy, a person who will meet the needs you’re too ashamed to request from the person who can actually meet them. He’s a childhood wish-fulfillment fleshlight. He is also a less judgmental, capitalism-friendly proxy for Christ.
Whereas Christianity has salvation and sins, Santa has only the vague notion of naughty and nice. In Santa-ism there is no hell, no prayer, no apologizing, no debate over whether you were born saved or if you must earn salvation. Santa offers the grace that God promised but hasn’t followed through on. You may live in fear of being punished with coal, but in the end, daddy’s gonna give you what you need, and all that fear of having been naughty will have just been foreplay.
It’s so hard to tell the difference between self-care and greed.
Open your presents, baby. It’s not that you’ve earned it—receiving was inevitable. Santa’s a giver, and it’s your job to take. If you were born into the right kind of house with the right kind of…