Schoolyard Sex Ed Through the Eyes Of My Eight Year Old

So she knows about Only Fans. It’s fine, I’m fine.

Lisa Hides
Human Parts
Published in
3 min readFeb 5, 2024

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Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Four years ago, I made a suggestive joke to my husband:

Me: Can you start grilling the burgers?
Him: Give me three secs
Me: I do, every Saturday!

Ba-dum-dum tsss!

From the couch, where our precocious eight year old sits, we hear giggles. What is he laughing about? we wonder. He couldn’t possibly have understood that joke, could he?

Me: Bud, what’s so funny?
Eight year old: DADDY SAID S-E-X!”

He explodes into a fit of giggles.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking. How does this little punk-ass drool factory know about the birds and the bees? Well, I’ll tell you. Turns out his Health teacher went off-script the year prior and taught his entire Grade 2 class about sexual intercourse instead of *checks notes* The Canadian Food Guide.

I’m a pretty chill Mom, my kid’s a good kid, so this was mostly fine. Truthfully, I only skirted the million-dollar baby-making questions for fear that my kid would tell other kids and I’d become colossally unpopular at PTA meetings.

Spoiler alert: I still became colossally unpopular at PTA meetings.

Knowing that the questionable Heath teacher was no longer Health teaching, we figured we had a good few years before we’d have to visit this conversation with our now eight year old daughter.

Most days, we have fulfilling and meaningful post-school conversations like these:

Me: How was school?
Her: Good
Me: What did you learn?
Her: Nothing

But then one day, it goes like this:

Me: How was school?
Her: Good
Me: What did you learn?
Her: Nothing [long pause] ‘cept Sam said he wants to have sex with me

Play it cool, play it cool, play it cool.

Me: Oh? And do you know what sex means?
Her: Jackson said it’s when you smush a penis and a vagina together

Suddenly my entire sexual history flashes before my eyes and well, I have to say this definition — mostly tracks.

With the proverbial sex elephant out of the room, it’s as if a portal…

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Lisa Hides
Human Parts

Making it awkward since the 1900s. Once voted kinda funny for a mom. Runs on coffee + chaos. @ihidefrommykids