That Time I Got Illegal Butt Surgery in Russia

How I almost died after developing a perineal abscess

Illustration: Nikita Klimov

II was working as a journalist in Saint Petersburg when the butt pain started. The doctor’s heavy Russian accent made me believe I had “gemroids,” which sounded like asteroids made of gemstones, which seemed a lot better than what I actually had: hemorrhoids. More than a month later, it had all…