That Time My OB-GYN Extracted a Clove of Garlic Out of My Vagina

I make the worst jokes at the worst times. Like the time I visited my childhood gynecologist for a routine check-up during spring break back in college. As she reached inside of me, I asked, grinning from ear to ear, “Do you feel closer to me now?” We’ve known each other since I was a teenager, and I’ve known her daughter since the sixth grade.

The garlic, though, was no joke. I had read it on the internets. Not to mention seen it on an episode of Girls so you know it’s true. I had been using it to treat yeast infections since my freshman year in college. It worked like magic. No pain, no prescription, all natural. It fell out by itself after a few days when I used the bathroom. There was the occasional comment from my boyfriend after an intimate evening. . . “Did you use garlic again?” It is aromatic, shall we say. Sometimes I would stick one in after intercourse because — why not? If it can ward off vampires, surely, it can ward off a yeast infection.

The first time I had a yeast infection was my freshman year in college. I had no idea what it was and had never felt such a burning sensation. It was painful, itchy, and swollen. Letting my fears run wild, I convinced myself that I was pregnant or had an STD even though my boyfriend and I were in a healthy, committed, birth-controlled relationship. Just a few…