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This Is Us
The All-American Narcissist
Holding up a mirror to our true nature
Narcissist. The insult just rolls off the tongue. Whether directed at the self-involved “frenemy,” crazy ex-boyfriend, or social-media show-off, the epithet seems to be the perfect catch-all for the assholes we encounter on a daily basis.
It’s so commonplace one wonders if we’re on the verge of a national reckoning — perhaps a truth and reconciliation for all the narcissists in our lives. But in a country like the U.S., so universally oriented around individual liberty and personal expression, the label can start to feel meaningless.
For one thing, we tend to overuse it. But more importantly, though we criticize selfishness in others, American society not only permits but also rewards narcissistic behavior — often while leaving people struggling with genuine mental illness on the margins.
Prior to training as a psychoanalyst, I had a general understanding of what it meant to be a narcissist — mostly through my own encounters with egomaniacs. Briefly: The world revolves around you, and you struggle to see beyond yourself. In other words, you’re up your own butt.
One particular tormentor even pushed me to become a therapist. I once believed there was something about my personality that drew these people to me. So rather than accommodate or tolerate them, I figured I may as well treat them. (Right?)
But the designation got more confusing when I started seeing patients. Narcissistic disorders have a range of conflicting manifestations and symptoms. And some of the most “narcissistic” people I faced in my training were (superficially) the most pleasant people I saw each day.
That’s because clinical narcissism is more than excessive pride. And no matter how offensive the behavior might seem, narcissism is always a defense. It’s a strategy, usually unconscious, of warding off the pain and anxiety of not having basic needs met somewhere along the developmental line. And because the root causes reflect both nature and nurture, the diagnosis isn’t as straightforward as it might seem.
It turns out that what I once thought was narcissism wasn’t necessarily a behavioral condition at all, but instead…
