Sometimes We Just Need to Be Heard, Not Fixed
Learning to listen better helps a relationship thrive
In the third episode of her podcast series, Where Should We Begin? (The Arc of Love), psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel counsels a heterosexual couple.
Although they remain anonymous, they agree to have their therapy session recorded and the resulting audio shared publicly. They are struggling with an extremely common relationship dynamic.
“Let me ask you a question,” Perel addresses the man gently. “When [your partner] tells you that she feels something, do you immediately feel pressure—like you have to do something?”
“Like I want to do something,” he clarifies.
“Right,” affirms Perel. “Like you want to do something, and you have to fix her feelings […] Sometimes it’s very difficult for many us to simply say, ‘I hear you. I know it’s tough. You had a hard day,’ and to think that is actually equivalent to doing a lot.”
What’s the most helpful way to respond when your partner approaches you in a state of emotional distress? Communication scientists have elaborated on our understandable desire to problem-solve when faced with a partner in pain. Nobody wants to see their loved one suffering. As communication researcher Susanne Jones explains, we frequently worry that “merely validating or acknowledging emotions” will be less useful than “actually helping the distressed person resolve the problem.” Consequently, we often jump to “solve behaviors,” such as giving advice.
The problem is that, in some cases, we do this prematurely, neglecting more emotion-focused responses. Maybe it’s counterintuitive, but “validating the difficult experiences of the distressed person by explicitly acknowledging them in talk” and “encouraging them to elaborate on what led to the upset” can be a much more constructive means of helping a partner.
People report feeling better after this type of interaction, and studies show that advice is not always what the distressed person is looking for.
That’s not to say we can never offer any practical support to a person in need. Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Arthur Nielsen reframes emotion-focused listening as a crucial first step that helps us problem-solve more productively. To reach the problem-solving stage, however, we need a more detailed understanding of the issues our partner is facing.
Psychologists have also found that supportive listening is linked to emotional health in the listener as well as in the troubled talker. One study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicated that “listeners who gave advice or joked were significantly more depressed and more rejecting of their distressed partners” compared to “listeners who acknowledged the distressed confederate’s mood.”
It’s important that we allow our partners the freedom to be upset.
In light of this, take care that you’re not using advice or distractive fixes as a way to shut down communication about difficult topics.
Nielsen concedes that empathetic listening poses an emotional challenge because it involves “putting ourselves in the other person’s situation without becoming overwhelmed.” In his book A Roadmap for Couple Therapy, he gives the example of a spouse crying as they tell you their mother has been diagnosed with cancer. In such circumstances, it might be painful for you to listen well and stay fully emotionally engaged because you love your spouse and can’t stand to see them in tears. It’s hard for both of you, in different ways—and you may want to hurry to the helping part so both of you can feel better.
That doesn’t mean you’re not well-intentioned. However, it’s important that we allow our partners the freedom to be upset without retreating into psychological avoidance because of our own emotional response. This is what communication scientists call an “escape” reaction.
If you don’t allow your loved ones the space to express the way they feel, you risk dismissing their emotions or pressuring them to resume a happy facade for your sake. The sense of loneliness this generates can severely damage relationships.
Sometimes we fear that making room for the intensity of another person’s pain will encourage a greater outpouring than we are able to cope with. The human experience is complex, multidimensional, and ever-shifting. While you are not your partner’s personal therapist, don’t shy away from sharing the full spectrum of life with your loved one. Simply hear them out and acknowledge that their anguish exists.
Supplementing empathetic listening with nonverbal support can be especially helpful. Research suggests that increasing supportive warm touch among couples leads to a multitude of physiological benefits, including blood pressure regulation and an increase in bonding hormones like oxytocin.
Ultimately, Perel advises us to be wary of interpreting our partner’s self-expression as a sign that we need to immediately fix something so their negative feelings go away. She suggests simply creating space and “allowing the other person to express whatever they express.”
In contrast to burdening ourselves with the need to do something quickly, carefully listening to and acknowledging the negative feelings can prove a more effective route toward alleviating them in the long term. Learning to listen better is relationship-enhancing all-round.
In the words of Nielsen:
Detailed, empathic listening is not just for difficult conversations. Applied to one’s partner’s reporting of the events of the day—from stresses to triumphs—it is the stuff of intimacy and closeness.
