This Is Us

The Consequences of Toxic Male Sex Advice

A bit of ‘wisdom’ passed down from man to man over the years that needs to stop

Benjamin Davis
Human Parts
Published in
7 min readDec 7, 2020

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Shattered glass image of a man and woman about to kiss.
Photo: Ghislain & Marie David de Lossy/Getty Images

When I was around 10 years old, my parent’s friend Dick (yes, his name was Dick) sat me and my cousins down to tell us about this epic threesome he had in his twenties. I don’t remember the details, except that they were “babes.” I do remember that it was the first time — the first of many times — throughout my childhood and teen years that older adult men would corner me to regale me with their youthful sexual escapades, all of which starred women who never had an identity beyond their physical features. At the end of all these tellings two things were always true:

  1. I was expected to be impressed, enthralled, and inspired.
  2. I was.

The constantly reinforced advice that came along with all these stories was: You have to have as much sex with as many women as possible — because if you don’t, how can you prove you are a man? This same advice was oozing between the lines of movies and TV shows throughout the ’90s and early 2000s. James Bond isn’t as cool without “Bond girls,” right?

I came to the conclusion that despite being a stubborn, garrulous, walking ADHD commercial, my most undesirable quality was clear: I was a “virgin.” My solution was to lie through my teeth. This lie, of course, didn’t make me any more desirable. Into my college years, I went my “virginity” with me. And I realized I’d trapped myself. I thought, If someone does decide to have sex with me believing I’ve had sex before, they’re going to expect me to do a good job.

Once, when a woman took me back to her dorm room, she started kissing me and taking off my pants. I moved my hands all over her like someone gently patting flour onto raw pastry dough. I had no idea what I was doing. She pulled away from me and said, “How many people have you had sex with?”

I said, “Two?”

She sighed and said, “Right. I’m going to bed.”

Then she walked past me, curled up on her bed, and went to sleep.

I was saved from this pickle in the worst possible way. A woman I knew, for whom I felt nothing, texted me…

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Benjamin Davis
Human Parts

Founding Editor of Sexography. | Columnist for Lustery POV | | Co-founder of Chill Subs