Member-only story
The Eternal Awkwardness of Wearing Glasses
On the difficulty of having sex — and doing most other things — while bespectacled
If you’ve ever seen a naked man in glasses, you know how ridiculous he looks: fully dressed from the neck up, like an anatomically correct paper doll. The bespectacled nude in my mirror every morning is familiar to me and yet still somehow odd — few situations call for both nudity and distance vision, and the distance in question is remarkably short. Just-glasses ranks high among awkward single-item nudity, after just-socks and just-a-shirt (also known as The Porky Pig). Each makes the wearer look like they hadn’t planned on being nude, a naked-at-school dream come bewilderingly to life.
In the dark without my glasses I have to feel my way from the bed to the bathroom, and I live in a studio. My boyfriend’s vision is worse than mine, and both of us leave our glasses on a shelf by the shower (the better to find a towel with). Falling asleep on the couch is risky, and liable to end in a visit to someone with pliers at Warby Parker. Nearsightedness is such a fixable impairment that it hardly occurs to most people, even nearsighted ones, as any kind of hindrance, and even that may be a bit strong.
There’s one porn star I’m aware of who wears glasses in sex scenes, and I have to admire his…
