Member-only story
Internet Time Machine
The One Time I Was (Kind of) Catfished by Two Sisters
‘I hope you don’t get mad,’ she said
This story is part of the Internet Time Machine, a collection about life online in the 2010s.
Suzy messaged me first on OkCupid, which is rare for a guy like me, especially in New York City where it isn’t uncommon for an attractive woman to get upwards of 100 messages in a single day. This means she doesn’t have to do much of the introductory legwork — but my profile will lie dormant for weeks at a time, until I get a mobile notification that a woman has visited me or sent me a note. (I’m too lazy to spend my time trying to sell myself to women with witty messages, especially when I can use that time for stuff like whacking off to porn videos or writing essays about my horrible dating life.)
The conversation started at music, specifically about our mutual adoration for the bands Bright Eyes and Brand New. It progressed to her love of tattoos and goofy hats. We exchanged banter for a few days before she decided to give me her number and take our conversation to the texting realm. This is something I usually take as a sign that she’s open to meeting in real life. We texted some more — I was really piling it on, which some women might construe as over-texting but I was just trying to make her laugh — and then we set up a date for the following week.
I arranged to meet her at a place called Boulton & Watt in the Lower East Side. It’s one of my favorite date venues in the city. One might think this was because of the cool, Americana vibe and the extensive list of unique cocktails, but it had more to do with its proximity to The Library, a dive right next door that’s always showing campy horror films on a projector, and that — more importantly — has a two-for-one happy hour deal every day. I liked to arrive a few minutes early for dates and stop at The Library for a double of bourbon or scotch to lubricate my tongue and calm my nerves. (I don’t like first dates. They make me anxious.)
I’d just finished my drink when Suzy texted me that she’d just parked her car. We had a couple drinks and a couple of cigarettes each (I don’t smoke so I was bumming them off her, like a real chivalrous gentleman) and then I walked her…
