Member-only story
The Paradox of Being Gay and Mormon
I prayed and prayed to not be gay — but I am. Now I realize the church was wrong.
In 2012, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — finally feeling the pressure — launched a website to reach out to those in its flock who might feel “same-sex attraction.” The original URL was MormonsAndGays.org. Note the semantics there: “Mormons” and “gays.” Two groups. At war. The site was an attempt at rapprochement. (In response to much pushback, the church has since updated it to MormonAndGay.org — though the old URL functions as a redirect, and the content itself remains mostly the same.)
At least the Church was trying something. The site was a jumble of “authentic accounts” of “real Mormons” who “experienced” same-sex attraction. All admitted feeling torn between faith and carnal impulse, but all towed the Church’s line: They were faithful, celibate Latter-day Saints holding out in hope and faith for further light, while apostles intoned with genuine sympathy that doctrine was immutable.
At the time, I was 23. I’d just returned to South Africa from Minnesota, where I served in a full-time proselytizing mission for the church, and was trying to navigate feelings that were yanking me all over an emotional minefield. I had long admitted to myself that I was gay. (Well, I didn’t use…
