The Power of Having a Lovely Fucking Day

In the face of increasingly dire transphobia, I’m learning that joy can help me survive

This is the way. Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

For most of my life, whenever anyone wanted to compliment me, they would call me “strong.” It was the go-to piece of praise, from everyone — parents, partners, bosses — and I got sick of it. I wanted to hear that I was smart, funny, kind, insightful; “strong” wasn’t a compliment. It wasn’t even a choice.

When people called me “strong,” what they seemed to mean was that if I decided something was bearable, I could bear it; if I decided something needed doing, I would get it done. “Strength” like that isn’t strength. It’s pain tolerance. Lifting that couch will fuck up my back, same as yours, but I’ve decided that it’s okay for my back to get hurt. Addressing this conflict will hurt my feelings and make me sad, but I’ve decided on sadness, because the alternative is putting up with bullshit. Both outcomes are bad. I get to choose which one I prefer.

Anyone could be strong that way, if they chose to be. Everyone would be strong, if they had no other options. If you are presented with a life-threatening situation, your choices are to be “strong” or to die, and most people will do what it takes to avoid dying. I did what most people do. I lived.

Being trans in the United States is a life-threatening situation. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Look at the landscape: J.K. Rowling is tweeting probably-faked stories about “detransition” to millions of fans. Lia Thomas became the first transgender woman to earn a national swimming championship, and suddenly everyone cares about national swimming titles just enough to say vile things about trans women who win them. A bestselling author blames trans people for unfairly denying her of literary prizes after she told them to shut up about transphobia in her friend’s novel. Texas is trying to take trans children away from supportive parents; Idaho is trying to put trans health care providers in prison for life; these are just two of the many, many anti-trans bills being put forth in U.S. state legislatures.

This is one week. Less than one: It’s one Monday morning, which will be Tuesday by the time you read this. Being “strong” doesn’t feel like enough for these circumstances. What…