The Rollercoaster of Being Seen

The most underrated gift of partnership and the risk that follows

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

Every so often I have a unique thought. I become proud of this thought and desperate to share it with someone — anyone — so they can bear witness to what I perceive as my own distinct genius. But it reads as a little desperate to text a friend something that I know will feel ridiculous in about eighteen minutes just to score a validating Haha or a heart emoji.

This was what Twitter was for! (RIP; Threads — though we all hoped for the best — is no replacement).

There are other moments when I’m suddenly in the in the ideal version of my life, everything around me, no matter how mundane, inexplicably gorgeous, oddly in its place and I need someone — anyone — to see that this is, in fact, my actual life (at least for a fleeting second), because I’m not always capable of trusting that my experience was good and valid if someone else has not seen it and deemed it as such.

This is what Instagram is for!

(I’m too old to know what TikTok is for.)

The desire to be witnessed is natural and human and addicting, and social media companies know this and exploit this fabulously. It feels good to be seen without having to put that burden on any one recipient, but of course then you’re flung into the anxious and compulsive spin of being seen by all.

My very first taste of this was the AOL Instant Messenger “Away Message.” God, I loved the Away Message, the poetry of it all. Was the Away Message my gateway to creative writing? Possibly. From an early age it was my love language — communicating via cryptic song lyrics to my crush-of-the-moment, who was surely not looking at my Away Message. But the glorious thing about the Away Message was that if your intended viewer didn’t look, you never knew!

The Away Message was passive. It didn’t push, and this was its beauty, its grace. It was like a sign on one’s door. The whole form was devastatingly authentic because the concept of “likes” hadn’t yet emerged. You weren’t desperate for volume, you just wanted that one person who got it to respond.

Alls to say the need to be witnessed is potent and enduring and I have long been plugging…