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The Unexpected Grief of Motherhood
The self you lose while raising the child you love
Author’s note: I started writing this article when my baby was four months old and published it just shy of his first birthday. Time is no longer real. Just a handful of sand slipping through my fingers.
The Almighty Algorithm showed me a clip today. It was a portion of a podcast interview with Ilana Glazer discussing a film she’s involved with called Babes. I haven’t seen the movie because, as the mother of a four-month-old baby, I don’t currently have time for such luxuries as movie-watching or shower-taking, but I hope to get the chance to indulge in all of the above before this kid heads off to college.
Thankfully, The Algorithm knows I don’t have a moment to spare (because The Algorithm, amazingly and terrifyingly, knows all) and so it shows me curated, bite-size pieces of things when I sneak in a scroll while feeding the baby, struggling with insomnia, or sitting on the John. In the clip, Ilana was talking about the grief that comes with all the joy of having a baby. Either partially or wholly, temporarily or for good, you lose your identity, your bodily autonomy, your personal space, and many of your friendships. In my experience — and I know I’m not alone in this —motherhood devours you. I have come out the other side completely transformed…
