Things to Do Instead of Feeling Sad

From secret handshakes to kiss cams

Ben Kassoy
Human Parts


Photo by Keri Goff

I could:

Spend an afternoon at a senior center creating secret handshakes with all the residents.

Get every tattoo my ex has and never tell her.

Print and distribute 10,000 shirts with Peggy McIntosh’s white privilege essay printed on them.

Buy dozens of shower liners and offer one as a thank-you gift whenever I go to someone’s house.

Privately commit to donating a dollar for every like on my Instagram photos.

Die a martyr.

Abide by the Saturday Rules: 1) Brunch at least once, 2) Don’t rush anywhere, 3) Do everything you want to do.

Produce a documentary called 90-Minute Kiss Cam.

Hire a famous comedian to record their next special at the bedside of my 93-year-old grandfather.

Call every day and freestyle rap about important issues to my senators.

Work to achieve the exact physique of Tim Meadows in Mean Girls.

Hit rock bottom.

Throw a series of the coolest parties at the coolest clubs on earth where the entrance fee is a completed voter registration form.

Go skydiving, rocky mountain climbing.

Get rid of one possession a day for a month and see if I miss any of them.

Attend three funerals a week to learn what all this is really about.



Ben Kassoy
Human Parts

Poet, writer, author of THE FUNNY THING ABOUT A PANIC ATTACK -- available now!