What I Didn’t Learn in Sex Ed

I wish my teachers had talked about more than just pregnancy, disease, and God

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

The entirety of the sex education I received growing up can be summed up like this:

1. Sex can lead to pregnancy.
2. Sex can lead to disease.
3. Sex is a gift from God.

I always had trouble reconciling the third point with the tone of admonishment of the first two, but I assumed I’d eventually figure it out.

I guess there are limits to what I could have reasonably expected my teachers (and, I suppose, my parents) to teach me about sex, but I — and my eventual partners — would have been much better served with a more well-rounded approach. If I could go back and rewrite the curriculum, I would include the following.

Sex requires consent

It seems hard to imagine now, but the theme of consent — and all it includes about respect, equity, communication, and partnership — was nowhere to be seen during my sex education. My education simply covered the mechanics — and then a little bit on the dynamics of trying to figure out when or if you were ready for sex.

On the playground, kids were admonished for inappropriate contact. But we were never taught that the importance of that lesson applied to the rest of our lives. That there should be no groping on the subway. That copping a feel in a crowd or as someone walks by is not just inappropriate, but a form of assault.

It also would have been incredibly helpful to learn that consent can be withdrawn at any time — that sexual activity is dynamic, not set on a course like a rocket launched into space. That we have to be listening to and responsive to our partners at all times, and that we must both be comfortable throughout any sexual encounter.

We should have been taught that the decision to have sex with someone requires mutual consent, throughout, and that there should be no doubt about whether it exists.

Talking about sex is important

A big part of the consent picture is being able to talk to your partner about sex: Is this what you want to do? Are you comfortable? What do you…