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How to Surrender to the In-Between
On liminal spaces and finding comfort in the not knowing
Working in death, dying, and grief, I become acquainted with many ideas that seem strange or unbelievable to some people. I give my attention and even belief to what others tell me about the ways this earthly life might intersect with the next.
One of these concepts is thin places — geographical places on Earth where the veil is thin between this world and the eternal. In these spaces, people feel uncomfortable, confounded, greatly peaceful, or awed because they experience something mysterious and holy.
I’ve come to believe that thin places are not just geographic locations, but also places in time in our everyday lives. Times of transition. Times of grief, change, or instability, when everything is unclear. These times are foggy and often full of fear: We are not who we once were, but not yet who we will be.
One of the most fearful and anxious periods of my life was an in-between time of about two-and-a-half years. I knew my marriage was severely damaged, but I was not convinced that divorce was the right answer. I thought my marriage could work with enough love, time, and therapy.
I was always trying to get a handle on what to do. I wanted to figure it out. I wanted a right answer, a best answer, a clear answer. I was fully married, but not. There were obvious signs, like an 18-month physical separation and the fact that I didn’t wear my wedding ring. But the in-between state mostly existed inside me.
Being in a threshold of life is really about trying to give over our trust to the power of time.
Part of me was a participant in the marriage and part of me was an observer, a scientist. I watched the marriage for signs of health. I watched my kids to assess whether they would be okay. I watched the reactions of my family and friends as they tried to support this prolonged period of not knowing. While most people were kind and supported my family’s in-between, I also felt their wariness and even skepticism. I watched myself wonder if I was thriving in the marriage or just getting by. I pondered what I needed from a partner and whether it was possible for my…
