‘Who Are Your Real Parents?’
On love, obligation, and making sense of what it means to be adopted
Once, when we were younger, someone asked my brother what it’s like to be adopted. He looked thoughtful for a minute, then smiled and said, “It’s like being a store-bought cake at a family reunion, when everyone else brought homemade.” Of course, everyone laughed. Colby’s always been like that — quick with a joke to lighten the mood.
I’m pretty sure everyone’s forgotten about this moment; it was just a one-off quip to a question that none of us quite knew how to answer.
I think about what Colby said every now and then, though. Specifically, I think about the phrase in terms of how well it fits within the made-for-TV comedy special I’m constantly scripting in my head. In this special, I lean on a mic stand, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, spitting hilarious quips such as:
“Adopting a kid is like finding out your merchandise from Target has severe malfunctions, like, two days after you threw away the receipt, and now they won’t let you return it.”
And:
“The weirdest rule your mom will have is that, since you’re adopted, you’re not allowed to date anyone from [insert town here] without telling her first because they might be your half-sibling.”
