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Why Emotional Parentification Can Be So Hard to Outgrow
When you believe your job is to manage your family’s emotions, you don’t recognize and honor your own
Growing up, I had two jobs. Officially, I was responsible for being a good student, keeping my room neat, and helping my mother with the housework. Unofficially, I served as the family peacekeeper. If I could keep my mother happy, I believed, my father and little sister might learn from my example and do a better job at it themselves.
My vigilance came at a price. By age six or seven, I was better at managing my family’s emotions than handling my own. When I had a problem, I tried to hide it, even from myself.
This self-reliance garnered compliments from adults, who told my mother I was mature for my age. But I wasn’t. I had stomach aches and sore throats. I struggled with anxiety and incessant worry. I was shy, had trouble making friends, and couldn’t relax in social situations. So I stayed close to home, where I could do what I did best: monitor the family temperature and take appropriate action when things got too hot.
I recently learned that these were all signs of ‘emotional parentification’.
According to Psychology Today, emotional parentification is a role reversal in which the child acts as the parent. The term sounds technical, but it’s not unusual. According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, about 1.4 million children and adolescents in the United States experience parentification. Since it is often overlooked or unrecognized, the number may be higher.
I was well-established in the role before I understood what was happening. Slowly I realized there was something wrong with this picture. My mother complained that my sister came to me for advice instead of going to her. She nagged me to go out more and make friends. She and my father turned a blind eye to my drinking and drugging in high school. At least it got me out of the house and with a group of peers.
She didn’t see the part she played. I didn’t, either. I believed I had taken on the role myself. My mother said she felt that I judged her. She wasn’t wrong. But all I could do was feel bad about it.
