This Is Us

Why I Feel Differently About Love Now That I’m in My 40s

Culture taught me to pursue love, then sex, then marriage — but that formula has never worked for me

Photo: Zen Rial / Getty Images

I don’t remember the first time I said “I love you” to a partner. I know it was my first boyfriend, but I have no memory of saying it to him. I also have no memory of him saying it to me, though I’m sure he did.

I’m not sure I actually loved him. He pursued me and I surrendered. No one had ever taught me that it was okay to say no to something I didn’t want — not to dating and not to sex. So we dated and somehow, over time, I came to… what? Did I love him? I mean, I said it, but looking back, I’m not sure.

I was following the path of a launch sequence that I felt had been laid out for me:

1. Meet guy
2. Date guy
3. Love guy
4. Fuck guy
5. Move in with guy
6. Marry guy
7. Have guy’s babies

This was the very clear formula outlined for me, a heterosexual woman, in dating — and life. I knew it by heart. I wasn’t going to screw it up.