Why I Froze and Smiled During My Sexual Assault
So much self-blame can be avoided by really understanding how the brain copes
Like most American women, I’ve been prepared to defend myself against sexual assault and rape. I know to “never take your eye off your drink” and “don’t walk alone at night” and “if you have to, put your key between your fingers to use as a weapon.” Even as a kid, I was taught not to talk to adult men I didn’t know. The message has been very clear: There are predators out there ready to take advantage of you, so be alert and prepared.
I’ve taken my role of self-protector seriously. I learned self-defense moves from a friend training to be a cop and felt ready to take down an assailant no matter their size or if they had a weapon. A therapist I worked with taught me to repeat the numbers “911” so I wouldn’t forget in an emergency. It sounds silly, but she said I’d be shocked at the number of people who get distraught and dial “411,” the number for local directory assistance.
Despite the years of effort and preparation, when I was sexually assaulted in 2005, I did not defend myself. I did not use my key as a weapon. I did not disarm the weapon he held against my neck. I did not dial 911. I didn’t even scream or move. I froze and complied.
