Why This Therapist Is Losing Faith in Humanity
Our inability to offer each other closure is a sign of our self-centered times
--
It had been at least two years since James absconded from our connection of five years. Now he had resurfaced, requesting we pick up where we left off. It was as if the chasm in time was insignificant. What mattered were his pressing concerns in the here and now.
Only I didn’t view it that way.
From the start, we agreed that we’d part ways responsibly and respectfully, when the time came. I was emphatic about that. Then he sent me a “pleasant” obligatory email ending our relationship, betraying our clearly defined agreement in the process. This callous rupture left me confused, hurt, angry, and concerned. Why would he deny himself the opportunity to say goodbye and wax nostalgic about all the progress we made together? It didn’t make sense.
This had to be addressed in a meaningful way if we were to go forward. I shared with him how I struggled with the way he vanished. We discussed what happened, James seemingly understanding the legitimacy of my concerns and conditions. Still, it was obvious that he had a difficult time acknowledging the gravity of his behavior, and how it was likely related to episodic abandonment by his parents. Ironically, what he latched onto were his own feelings about being on the receiving end of relational carelessness and indifference. Yet he couldn’t quite grasp that he was one of those careless indifferent people.
After all was said and done, he pledged to not recreate that scenario. Two years later, he did just that.
James was my patient.
In typical form, he sent a perfunctory email expressing gratitude, enumerating the gains made while expounding on how his busy schedule obstructed attending therapy, even for a closure session. This time I made it clear that, per my policy, his decision to not properly end treatment would rule out any therapy sessions with me down the road. No response.
Was his lack of response a response? It seems I cannot get with the program and crack the code. Talking, which offers inflection and energy, always works best for me especially when it occurs in person, with body language…
