Member-only story
This Is Us
Lessons in Couple Privilege and Nonmonogamy
Thinking you can choose how a relationship will evolve has risks.
Since I prefer to date other nonmonogamous people, the question “How long have you and your partner been polyamorous?” comes up fairly early in conversations. It’s more than just curiosity. I consider it a litmus test, a sizing up, because a lot rests on my answer. For instance, were I to reply that we opened our relationship last Tuesday, any person familiar with nonmonogamy would think long and hard about getting involved with me. And I wouldn’t blame them; I ask them the same question for precisely the same reason. This is because nonmonogamy is a marathon, and to torture the metaphor further, it’s a marathon you can’t train for. The route, terrain, and obstacles will reveal themselves along the way—and, baby, at the start, you don’t know shit.
“Technically we have always been nonmonogamous,” I generally reply. I go on to explain that when my fiancé.e (the spelling “fiancé.e” as such is to make the traditionally gendered French noun, “fiancé” in the masculine or “fiancée” in the feminine, inclusive of all genders) and I got together in 2016, we agreed the relationship would not be monogamous. It took several years, a few panic attacks, a handful of hookups, a lot of therapy, group sex, and a proposal to arrive at where we are now. Two people, engaged, one of whom has another partner (who also has another partner), and who all intend to be open to further connections, be they friendly, sexy, or romantic (or any combination thereof).
Couple privilege is easy to spot, and actively encouraged, in monogamous relationships.
Polyamorous is not a word I use for myself or to describe my relationships. I prefer nonmonogamous or, better yet, ethical nonmonogamy. The primary reason behind this is because people tend to sweat the difference between “open relationships” (presumably where physical intimacy is the only type of connection allowed outside of the couple) and “polyamory” (where each person actively seeks out multiple long-term romantic and sexual partners). The issue with this false dichotomy is that it assumes we get to choose what sort of connection will emerge…
