Do not pass gas. Do not collect 200 frequent flier miles.

‘A ship in the harbor is safe, but your ship is the reason I slid into your DMs.’

On my 30th birthday, I’m celebrating every version of me

On cultural appropriation and boxy tank tops at The Limited

‘Is the main character supposed to be you…?’ and other rites of passage awaiting the first-time author

An ode to the bathroom

Our new house is haunted by the dark witticisms of a robot

On the difficulty of having sex — and doing most other things — while bespectacled

Language was always my tool, my weapon, my security blanket. What happened when I lost the ability to use it?

Please accept that maybe, just maybe, I want to be single

An incomplete list of moments that may or may not lead to “I love you”

A poem for the taxed and confused

I’ve gone to the dark side — and I don’t know how to turn back

For use in Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone, McCall’s, and elsewhere

Obsessing over my uncle’s music didn’t make me cool, it made me… me

So you can throw out your food another day

How IKEA ruins relationships

My MacBook ruined my life