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This Is Us
Stop Worrying About Virginity
Rigid definitions of sex distracted me from enjoying my experiences
“If you don’t have sex by your 21st birthday, let us know.”
I had no idea how to respond to the offer. Was it a kindness? A joke at my expense? I barely knew these women from the dorm, but everyone knew about my “problem.” I was 20 and hadn’t had sex.
I considered myself a late bloomer. I didn’t have a single date during high school. I didn’t even chastely peck someone on the lips until the week after I graduated. I was rushing to make up for years I felt I missed out on. Or maybe I wanted evidence to counteract the feeling that I was an undesirable nerd. “Virgin” wasn’t just a label for an activity I hadn’t done yet—it was woven into my identity. It was how other people knew me, along with my fondness for sharks and carrying a guitar all over campus (I’m sorry, it was 2001, and I thought being the guitar guy was cool.) Sharky Brian, the Virgin.
What I really wanted was a relationship. I wanted a girlfriend. But with each passing week, month, and year, I felt like there was something wrong with me when sex never happened. It was like everyone else had years of experience under their belts — ha! — and I hadn’t even had an erotic internship yet.
