Human Parts
A publication from Medium about humanity: yours, mine, and ours.

Comedy

In Human Parts. More on Medium.

HUMOR

Guess which one I don’t fully understand

In The Shawshank Redemption, there’s a character named Red. He’s a prisoner who smuggles in special items for other prisoners for a price. He’s the Amazon of Shawshank. Red can get you anything you want, within reason, everything but outer space. That’s reserved for the warden.

Here’s Red’s rule: “Risk…

HUMOR

He died as he lived: Disobeying his wife and riding motorcycles

This year, on the brink of my 40th birthday, I’ve begun to covet other men’s motorcycles.

Every time I hear a bike engine, that seductive grunt, I whip my eyes to the road. I want to see the bike, badly. I need to know, “Can I picture myself on you?”

How my pet dragon validates my existence

My sister-in-law and her family went on a trip recently and asked us to care for her daughter’s bearded dragon.

This dragon, a green guy with brown eyes, is still a youth, about seven inches long from the nose to the tip of his tail, though in 18 months he’ll…

A personal history of missed opportunities

In my high school gym class, they taught us how to dance. This was bad of them, having gym. Why is there gym?

If you immediately have an answer for this, you’re part of the problem.

I hated changing in the locker room. Before high school, I’d heard reports that…

Wherein I, a childless woman, answer actual questions of actual children and possibly traumatize them for life

Q: “Do bees have lips?”
A: An excellent question, dear child. Bees do not have lips in the same sense that humans do, rather, they have something called a labial palp that are situated on either side of the proboscis. Here is a picture. I am told children enjoy those:

A series in which I answer the inane questions your children ask, but with a side of existential dread

Q: Why are trees different?
A: Trees are different because of the evolution of plants, dating back to the dinosaurs. Trees were actually sporous plants, much like giant ferns, and they were purple as they had not yet developed chlorophyll. Eventually the taller plants began crowding out the big fern plants…

This Is Us

Imagine the power of an older brother. He wields the Truth. How can he control himself?

I don’t remember what Brian Dimmit did to me on the playground, but I remember saying, “I hate you.” He must have done something bad. He was capable of bad things. Like this:

I went to his house one time, and we sat at the computer, watching him play a…

Human Parts

A publication from Medium about humanity: yours, mine, and ours.

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